It's really ironic and funny at the same time how life always gives us back what we rightfully deserve. Be it delayed by a few years, a few seconds, or even by a lifetime.

I have always believed in Karma eversince I was old enough to understand its meaning. "Ayan, na karma ka 'no?" my friends would often say when I get bad luck and they feel its just a form of "atonement" for something I've done which I shouldn't have. I usually shrug and say it's nothing. But deep inside I would know that I have paid for whatever debt I owed.

While driving home from work on the 24th, that was around 5:00pm, Karma came out to get me. Actually, it came in the form of a dog.

I was cruising along a side road near Makati and San Andres's boundary, when this dog suddenly crossed the road. I knew right there and then that I would crash. I tried to veer left and the dog backtracked. I still hit it. I felt the thud as my front tire hit its body. Then I was lifted off my seat and sent flying about 2 meters away from my motorcycle. I felt my helmet bounce once, twice, thrice and scrape the pavement. My left arm intsinctively clutched my abdomen and my right arm was placed around my nape. Everything happened so fast that I had no time to comprehend exactly what happened.

The passengers of the car behind me alighted and checked my injuries. A cab driver stopped to turn Lora (my bike) off and check for damages. I was still on the pavement as I was asked to move my feet, which to my surprise I could still do. Those guys were quite shook up, I could tell. Someone offered to take me to the hospital, but I declined.

When I felt that I was ready to stand up, the cab driver took my hand and helped me up. He told me to rest awhile and call someone if I lived nearby. I guess I looked like such a mess. I discovered that my imitation crocs were totally screwed up. The left shoe was split open from toe to pinkie and my left foot was scraped to no end. That was when I felt the pain. I wondered how I could drive home with my shoe split that way.

I called Buddy right away and told him what happened. He asked me to contact Joseph, as he was the one who lived closest to me and would get there ASAP. But, unluckily, Joseph was already at his parent's house in cavite for the holidays. I decided to go home first and assess whatever happened.

Driving was so painful that tears were streaming down my cheeks and was getting mopped up by the foam of my helmet. Finally reaching our gate, I felt I could contain the pain no longer and told Nina to hurry up. Upon parking in the garage, I immediately told Iris to please tend to my wounds. My sisters all stared and asked what happened when they saw that I looked like hell.

Ate Aileen told me to go to the hospital to have the baby monitored. Iris went with me to Manila Doctor's emergency room and had the baby and my injuries checked. Good thing there were no broken bones. Just a bruised body and scared soul. Buddy arrived and soon got to listen to the baby's heartbeat. It was beating so fast (but it was normal for an unborn), and I couldn't help smiling. I was so happy to see him there that even though the pain in my foot was killing me, I was smiling the whole time he was there with me. This incident erased all the bad memories of me being hospitalized and he was nowhere in sight. I felt that finally, he was here for me and our baby. I knew at that time that no matter what would happen in the future, Buddy would love his child.

When we finally arrived home, Iris and I feasted on the lasagna Buddy bought and had a few laughs with my other sisters. It was all in all a good outcome. Because of this injury, I realized that even if I was a pain most of the time to my sisters, they still cared about me. I guess I finally was able to open up to my sisters and somehow received their forgiveness for being such an ass for the majority of my life.

Kakabalik lang namen from Cavite. Ako, wala pa sa work mode.

Actually, December 11 ang birthday nya. Pero, nag start kame mag celebrate Monday palang. Continued on to Tuesday and Wednesday, hanggang Thursday morning. Nakakaloka. Pero masaya.

Parang 4 days na fiesta. Walang tigil kame ni Shirley ng kaen, sila naman ni Joseph, walang tigil ng inom. Hahaha, 3 nights na sila parehong lasheng.  Ako three nights na puyat , pero three nights na rin super happy.

Feeling ko ako ang nag birthday eh. Ang sarap ng feeling na kasama mo yung mahal mo, chaka friends mo.

 I lost my bag last Nov. 27. Actually, it was stolen. I dont want to go into details of how I lost it, but it hurts. It contained all my ID's, cash, personal effects and pasalubongs. Sheeep, how I wish mag drop dead nalang yung kumuha nun, or ma-karma sha. Sbe ni Buddy, isipin ko nalang daw na mas nangangailangan yun kesa sken. Ok. I was thinking "May cancer yung anak nya at kailangan ipagamot." Pangpalubag-loob.

Pero ang sakit paren. Imagine, all my identification cards! If ever ma-aksidente ako sa daan, ni isang piece of ID wala. Tatoo nalang sa daliri ko ang gagamitin pag identify sa akin. Imagine, my SSS ID, company ID, drivers license, NARIAG ID, Maxicare, IATA, Visa Card (max'd out), AAdvantage, Aeroflot frequent flyer... at eto ang pinaka masakit.. my ATM.

I had to suspend my ATM card, and it being a holiday tomorrow..there is no way I can withdraw my salary. I have to do an over-the-friggin-counter transaction to get my money. It sucks. It really sucks.

Damn those people who thrive on stealing. Damn it. Damn them.

nasabi na nya ang matagal ko nang inaasam asam na sabihin nya. Sabi nya "I still dont know or not ready to love". So there. Its out. Hindi pa sya handang magnmahal. Good thing naman at honest sya. Pero, masakit pa rin. Siguro in time he wil love me, siguro in time magmamahal din sha ng iba. I dont know. Ang alam ko lang masaket magising sa katotohanan. Pero after a while, I know lilipas din tong hurt na to. Di ko sure kung gaano ako katagal mag titiis na hindi ako mahal ng taong mahal ko. Selfish ako eh. Gusto ko mahal din ako. Pero kay Buddy, okay lang. baket ganon? Tanga nga siguro ako.

Pagka pala may mahal ka, at di ka mahal, masakit. Ngayon lang ako naka feel ng ganito eh. I was used to my love being reciprocated. Minsan, alam ko higit pa sa love ko sa kanila yung love nila saken. Kaya siguro I took some of them forgranted. Tulad nalang ni E***** na HS sweetheart kuno ko. I knew that he was crazy for me (noon yun ah), pero deadma ako sa kanya. Si J****, pinagpalit ko for his bestfriend. Si J**, alam ko, super mahal nya ko. Nagtiis sya sa kalokohan ko for how many years. Si Buddy ngayon, parang ibinabalik nya sa akin lahat ng nagawa ko noon. Ewan.

You know, I hope someday either of two things would happen:

1. Mahalin nya ako,

2. Magising ako na katotohanan na hindi nya ako kaya mahalin.

Yes, I know... mahirap, masahol... tanga ako. But what else can I do? Mahal ko sha. In time I know, maaayos ko din to. either aayaw na sya or ako ang aayaw. in time. in time. sana.

There will come a time in your life when you will become infatuated with a single soul.

For this person, you'd do anything and not think twice about it but when asked why .. you had no answer.

You'll try your whole life to understand how a single person can affect you as much as they do, but you'll never find out.

And no matter how badly you hate it or how badly it hurts.. you will love this person without regret.. for the rest of your life.

BUMMER..

two nights ago... bigla nalang nag text... Musta?

Demmit, musta nalang ba lagi?

then I asked him the usual stuff... nag break ka na ba? kumain kb? still at work? (MISS ME?) hehee... he just took his motorbike to the shop for repairs. shempre, feeling expert ako, I asked him what the prob was. Motor starter daw. Nag suggest ako ng magaling gumawa ng motor, Then, he said,  sabay nalang daw kme magpa tune-up. (ng ano?) ah ng motor, Its a date then! gusto mo bukas na bukas din magpapa tune up ako, kahit kaka tune up lang ni Laura (motor ko).... Sabi nga ng anecdote, An ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure. Sige, pa tune up ako every week kung sasabay ka saken. heheh... demmit. im crazy.

he hasnt text'd me yet. i hate it. just checked my phone and... no messages. haaay, napaka unpredictable naman pala nya. sometimes he'd text for no apparent reason, just to let me know that he's still at work, going to church or something. But today, NADA. Baka walang load? hehe, pasaload ko kaya? baduy. and cheap ko naman nun. grrrr, i just hope that whatever comes out of this, would be another learning experience for me. Para na akong "to love or not to love" ngayon. Its quite frustrating when u expect something in return for your efforts. Better not to expect anything nalang. Que sera sera?

I was always one for taking things one day at a time, not commiting till im sure of where i stand. but now, it fazes me to realize that I'm not like that with him. I want it to be outright and direct. No more pretensions, no more beating around the bush. Its like, take me or leave me. If this continues, Im afraid it's be the Leave Me part.

Depression is starting to get ahold of me and my moods. What with my Monoid father who Im not on speaking terms with. Hmmm, i just want some concrete thing to come my way. And soon. Hey *******, what's the score? I hate to admit it, but I must know.